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[Spike Spiegel]

More reviews starting to appear...

Associated Press

No one ever turns into a giant snake in the new "Conan the Barbarian." That, in a nutshell, is what's wrong with this remake: The knowing sense of big, ridiculous fun that marked the 1982 original is gone, and in its place we get a self-serious series of generic sword battles and expository conversations.

One Star Out of Four

Hollywood Reporter

There is no purpose to the film other than random blood splattering amid scenes of bondage, primitive savagery and S&M eroticism. The film is numbing and dumb with its hero indistinguishable from its villains. Conan fights under no moral code nor stands for any principle. If the film were called Khalar Zym, he wouldn’t even be the good guy.

Variety

In short, like last summer's "The Expendables" (also produced by Avi Lerner), [Conan the Barbarian] delivers hard-R escapism for 13-year-old intellects, aimed to satisfy those looking to rest their brains but not their ears.

And (as if there were ever any doubt) it's a must-avoid in 3D:

The fact that it's been converted to a murky, smudgy, barely-used 3-D doesn't help matters. At one point, I scrawled in my notes: "Incomprehensible underwater serpent attack."

 

[Snaku]

No one ever turns into a giant snake in the new "Conan the Barbarian." That, in a nutshell, is what's wrong with this remake: The knowing sense of big, ridiculous fun that marked the 1982 original is gone, and in its place we get a self-serious series of generic sword battles and expository conversations.

So it doesn't have Thulsa Doom-esque wizardry? No scantily clad demon witches? Did someone ask the director what's worst in life?

 

[Spike Spiegel]

There's plenty of sorcery in this film from what we've heard and seen. Conjured sand people, tentacled sea monsters, arcane rituals involving masks and human sacrifice... just not people turning into serpents and slithering away right before a big battle.

 

[Decado]

Honestly, this isn't sounding too bad. I don't think anyone was expecting the movie to be good, per say (not with the talent involved), but Jason sounds like he did a good job and it's good bloody fun.

If this film does well at the BO (probably won't), hopefully Lionsgate will clue in and get a writer-director team with some talent on board (why they didn't to begin with escapes me).

 

[Snaku]

There's plenty of sorcery in this film from what we've heard and seen. Conjured sand people, tentacled sea monsters, arcane rituals involving masks and human sacrifice... just not people turning into serpents and slithering away right before a big battle.

Huh, the way the opening of that review was written, it made it seem like there wasn't really anything fantastical in the flick. Just dudes with swords killing the shit out of each other.

 

[Easy_D]

I was all pessimistic about this until I watched Game of Thrones. Momoa's Khal Drogo was fantastic and sold me on him playing Conan.

Yeah, I didn't care much for him, but the war-speech was amazing and gave me some hope for Conan.

 

[fizzelopeguss]

The film is numbing and dumb with its hero indistinguishable from its villains. Conan fights under no moral code nor stands for any principle.

isn't that the whole point of conan.

 

[Spike Spiegel]

My favorite review of Conan thus far! It's overall negative, but the way it describes the film just makes you want to see it more.

'Conan the Barbarian' is Bloody, Brutal, and Possibly Brain-Damaged

Marcus Nispel's new "Conan The Barbarian" is the film equivalent of having someone punch you in the face for two straight hours while someone screams in your ear. Now, if you like that sort of thing, buckle up, because "Conan" is absolutely stark raving mad from the first frame to the last.

In terms of film, though, this is [Momoa's] big introduction, and what he captures that Arnold Schwarzenegger never did is the sense that this guy's a great big coiled animal, lean but ridiculously ripped, and he brings a very different physical presence to the role than Schwarzenegger did. He plays it as a thinking beast, a guy with an innate knowledge of how to kill absolutely everything he encounters, and whatever else I thought about the film, Momoa was the right guy for the gig.

There were walkouts when I saw it. There's a character who *REDACTED* There were two women in front of me who jumped up and ran for the door, one of them on shaky legs, desperate not to see any more. I can only imagine that for many people, this film will test their threshold. I've certainly seen more violent movies, but not mainstream fantasy films. There's a PG-13 vibe that's been a big part of the genre for a while now, due in no small part to the success of things like "Lord Of The Rings" and "Harry Potter." This goes in the exact opposite direction, full force. And, yes, that is appropriate considering the property, but it's still a shock to the system

I wasn't sure how far the film would push the fantasy side of things, but rest assured, there are monsters and there is magic, and things get very, very weird at times. Some of the dialogue is laugh-out-loud silly, the score by Tyler Bates is so unrelenting that I felt like filing assault charges, and I'm not sure I really believe the world that Chris August designed as a cohesive whole. Even so, there's an undeniable energy to the thing, especially in the action cutting , and it looks sharp thanks to cinematographer Thomas Kloss. I would say this is probably the most entertaining film Nispel has made so far. I'm not a fan of his remake of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" at all, and I think "Pathfinder" is a film of botched ideas and execution. At least his "Friday the 13th" had an energetic first half, and it seemed to be a step in the right direction for him. With this, I'm not sure what to make of the guy.

I am flabbergasted at the mere existence of this movie. I'm almost not sure what letter grade to give it. It's so disturbing that it's impossible to stop watching, but I can't honestly say that it works as a movie in any convention sense. You almost have to see it for yourself just so you understand what Nispel has done. What is good in life? Not "Conan The Barbarian."

Also, the RT score stands at 46% as of this morning.

 

[Ryck]

I am pretty sure I will like it ( based on the reviews).. I am sucker for these types of movies.

 

[Snaku]

My favorite review of Conan thus far! It's overall negative, but the way it describes the film just makes you want to see it more.

'Conan the Barbarian' is Bloody, Brutal, and Possibly Brain-Damaged





Also, the RT score stands at 46% as of this morning.

Bizarrely intrigued.

 

[Spike Spiegel]

The Village Voice's review of 'Conan' seems fairly positive.

In Praise of Violence: Conan the Barbarian Lives Up to Its Title

A cinematic reboot for the patron saint of 98-pound weaklings, Conan the Barbarian is both truer to the vision of its character's creator, Robert E. Howard, and more satisfyingly pulpy than the 1982 movie incarnation... Squeamish types may balk, but the gory cruelty on display here is faithful to the source material and deeply thrilling.

And even though the Slant's review only rates one out of four stars, and clearly states "it's so, so not a good film," they seem to offer praise for the unflinching visions evoked by a well-earned hard-R rating.

Slant Magazine

Conan's characters, none more than the boulder-titted hero himself, accept any pretext for carving up flesh and hacking off limbs. The movie seems downright quaint and early '70s with bare (female!) breasts and an unapologetically promiscuous hero... No movie is so bad that such things can't bring a smile to the hardened cinephile, weary of bland, safe mediocrities of the age of PG-13.

"Boulder-titted hero". :lol

EDIT:

The Vine (***)

As a round-about ode to the mega-violent action flicks of yesteryear, or simply as a trade video for Kryolan's various theatrical blood products, this cinematic protein shake does precisely what it sets out to do: it's violent, it's dumb, it's fun, and it is content.

So this movie is starting to sound like it's exactly what you'd expect from an R-rated Conan movie. Get hype, GAF!

 

[yacobod]

reviews sound good despite the low scores.

 

[Spike Spiegel]

Conan (the Barbarian) on Conan (the O'Brien)

Gets a bit silly (it's Conan O'Brien, how could it not), but hearing them talk about the correct pronunciation of "Conan" and Momoa's story about breaking his nose for the role is just hilarious. Charming.

 

[Snaku]

Glad I checked the reviews for the new Conan the Barbarian Blu before opening it. Apparently they royally fucked up the new audio mix. Missing sound fx, missing choir in Basil Poledouris' score, etc. This shit is going straight back to Target.

 

[Meier]

Just got back from seeing it.. Jason Mamoa was there for a Q&A and got absolutely LIT UP during the movie itself.. oh man, he was hilarious. Threatened to kill someone when they basically asked him to quote Arnold's Conan (called him a motherfucker a few times) and then told the person who had the last question that it was "the worst fucking question you could ask." I was dying laughing.

The movie was pretty dreadful early on.. it felt truly like a made-for-TV movie and below Game of Thrones in budget and certainly quality. The second half was an improvement though so if you can get through the beginning, there's at least a decent pay-off. Lots of T&A.. the female star has some of the best tits I've ever seen -- DAMN. Also for the ladies, Jason Mamoa's butt objectively was pretty impressive. Conan's buddy looks a lot like T-Pain.

I'd give it a 2/4... maybe a 2.5/4 on a good day.

Here's a twitpic of him spinning around while admitting how drunk he is at the beginning: http://twitpic.com/67ragf

 

[UrbanRats]

Glad I checked the reviews for the new Conan the Barbarian Blu before opening it. Apparently they royally fucked up the new audio mix. Missing sound fx, missing choir in Basil Poledouris' score, etc. This shit is going straight back to Target.

WHAT?!

 

[besada]

with its hero indistinguishable from its villains. Conan fights under no moral code nor stands for any principle.

So, it's just like the books, rather than like the Ahnold movie. Good. Conan's not a hero.

Hither came Conan the Cimmerian, black-haired, sullen-eyed, sword in hand, a thief, a reaver, a slayer, with gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth, to tread the jeweled thrones of the Earth under his sandalled feet.

 

[Meier]

So, it's just like the books, rather than like the Ahnold movie. Good. Conan's not a hero.

Mamoa mentioned that for the sequel (he seems pretty confident there will be one) they'd incorporate more of the fantastical elements of the other stories (frost giants, etc.) -- they had to hold back this time due to the origin elements (he talked about kicking the kid to the curb). This is definitely intended to be very faithful to the books.. Mamoa apparently grew up a huge fan and is very involved in the script for a sequel.

 

[besada]

Mamoa mentioned that for the sequel (he seems pretty confident there will be one) they'd incorporate more of the fantastical elements of the other stories (frost giants, etc.) -- they had to hold back this time due to the origin elements (he talked about kicking the kid to the curb). This is definitely intended to be very faithful to the books.. Mamoa apparently grew up a huge fan and is very involved in the script for a sequel.

Works for me. I was incredibly disappointed by the 1982 Conan movie, because it was difficult to recognize the character as having much to do with Conan. I just read a review that says they include his birth (being cut from his mother's belly on a battlefield) which pleases me immensely.

And the reactions to the violence suggest they're doing it right. Unfortunately, I won't get to see it until Saturday.

 

[bangai-o]

isn't that the whole point of conan.

no. I am only going by the Dark Horse comics. so no.

 

[The Take Out Bandit]

no. I am only going by the Dark Horse comics. so no.

Jesus Christ, please tell me you're at least reading the Savage Sword reprints.

Modern licensed comics just don't get the talent they deserve.

I'm still looking forward to seeing this despite reviews. The director is the weakest link. I hope it's not as poorly directed and dull as Pathfinder.

 

[SpeedingUptoStop]

Is it weird that these reviews seem to make it more appealing? Ridiculous gory action movie piques my interest. That Momoa hustles goes hard, that guy is all over the place promoting himself right now.

 

[RyanDG]

Mamoa mentioned that for the sequel (he seems pretty confident there will be one) they'd incorporate more of the fantastical elements of the other stories (frost giants, etc.) -- they had to hold back this time due to the origin elements (he talked about kicking the kid to the curb). This is definitely intended to be very faithful to the books.. Mamoa apparently grew up a huge fan and is very involved in the script for a sequel.

Conan's the sort of property that they should've just said fuck the origin story. He's Conan. He kills people (sometimes demons!), steals pretty gems, and sleeps with a bunch of women.

 

[RyanDG]

Jesus Christ, please tell me you're at least reading the Savage Sword reprints.

Modern licensed comics just don't get the talent they deserve.

I'm still looking forward to seeing this despite reviews. The director is the weakest link. I hope it's not as poorly directed and dull as Pathfinder.

To be fair, the Dark Horse comics that began releasing in 2003 under Busiek weren't that bad. They've weakened since he stopped writing them, but I thought they were pretty solid properties.

 

[bangai-o]

Jesus Christ, please tell me you're at least reading the Savage Sword reprints.

Modern licensed comics just don't get the talent they deserve.

I'm still looking forward to seeing this despite reviews. The director is the weakest link. I hope it's not as poorly directed and dull as Pathfinder.

I also like the current run. But, no i havent read any of the Savage Sword. I am interested though.

 

[The Take Out Bandit]

To be fair, the Dark Horse comics that began releasing in 2003 under Busiek weren't that bad. They've weakened since he stopped writing them, but I thought they were pretty solid properties.

I just can't stand the art half of the time. When Marvel had the license we had Sal Buscema, Barry Windsor Smith, and Mike Zeck. When they briefly had the license again in the late 90's Claudio Castellini! They should pay that man in gold ingots and virgins to keep producing Conan comics!

Today - we might get Bart Sears phoning it in, and stuff below that level of quality.

The state of licensed comics today generally sickens me. It's boutique publishers being held aloft by the strength of their licenses, not necessarily the quality of their talent. Solomon Kane has been hurting me lately. The newest artist is just god awful, and the changes to the stories - ugh. I don't need the rage-y Solomon Kane swearing vengeance in a crap full page spread when in the story Solomon swearing to himself, "Men will die for this" was sufficient.

Speaking of Solomon Kane, I was kind of hoping someone would cash in on the "From the Creator of Conan the Barbarian" with a US release of the movie.

Anyhow Rachel Nichols in this is another selling point. Oh lawd! She so fine.

 

[Spike Spiegel]

Entertainment Weekly (Lisa Schwarzbaum)

[Conan the Barbarian is] a movie that's simultaneously lavishly violent and numbing, visually ornate and undistinguished, epic and shallow, relentlessly noisy and tone-deaf, workmanlike and unfilling... In other words, there's something and nothing for everyone in Conan the Barbarian 3D, right down to the afterthought 3D itself, which brings nothing to the experience except a ticket price-bump.

Grade: C

Chicago Sun-Times (Roger Ebert) <-WARNING: Ebert bluntly spoils an early dramatic scene.

"Conan the Barbarian" is a brutal, crude, witless high-tech CGI contrivance, in which no artificial technique has been overlooked, including 3-D. The third dimension once again illustrates the principle that when a movie largely takes place indoors in dimly lit spaces, the last thing you need is a pair of dark glasses.

1.5 stars out of four

 

[lazybones18]

Just got back from the movie

It was okay

 

[Secks4Food]

Just got back, it was relentlessly brutal, the dialogue ranges from meh to predictable to unintentionally hilarious (when Conan first meets that pure-blood chick...lol), 3D was completely useless, and it lasted for too long (it felt like over two hours, it really should have been 1 1/2 tops). I enjoyed it but nothing really makes it stick out from similar movies except for the ridiculous violence.

 

[Escape Goat]

42 rotten
13 fresh

A for effort though.

 

[derFeef]

A shame, really. I wanted this to be good, but it looks like a stinker.

 

[Sappy113]

isn't that the whole point of conan.

Yea, someone didn't do his homework quite right before spouting off shit like that. And furthermore - this is a fantasy flick, so it's probably aimed at a specifik audience. If said audience also like to read a bit, there's no doubt that those exact settings, the moral ambiguity, flawed characters... those are all the rage in modern fantasy literature. So it sounds like the movie kinda leans on some of that a little bit, just like a lot of modern fantasy literature leans on Howards Conan-books quite a bit. It's really a little bit silly to raise that as a point of critique.

I'm not saying the movie will be the best thing since grilled hamburgers, but it sounds like it recognizes itself for what it is and sticks to it. I'll watch the everliving shit out of this badboy. Tonight!

 

[Sappy113]

My favorite review of Conan thus far! It's overall negative, but the way it describes the film just makes you want to see it more.

'Conan the Barbarian' is Bloody, Brutal, and Possibly Brain-Damaged





Also, the RT score stands at 46% as of this morning.

If his purpose was to scare people off from seeing it, it didn't work!

Stark-raving mad from start to finish. Made squemish women run for the hills? This sounds like Abercrombie put to film.

 

[yacobod]

i hope it does at least decent at the box office.

 

[Drazgul]

Meh, local theater has no 2D version of it at all, so skipping it. Shame, really. Same with Captain America.

 

[TheJollyCorner]

it's a Marcus Nispel film. That's the first problem.

 

[Spike Spiegel]

it's a Marcus Nispel film. That's the first problem.

I doubt anyone was expecting this to be a cinematic tour-de-force.

Having looked at many of the reviews linked on RT thus far, the most telling aspect of what separates "fresh" from "rotten" seems to be the approach that the reviewer takes. A lot of the truly negative critiques basically boil down to "it's a bad film" while the positive ones amount to "yeah, it's a bad film... but for what it is, it's a pretty fun movie." Even a lot of the ultimately "rotten" scores are of a similar mind, that "knowing-you're-about-to-watch-a-bad-movie-but-have-fun-anyway" mentality.

As for box office, predictions seem to be settling into the $18M range for most of the top five, which is going to make for a tight race for the weekend. My guess is that Lionsgate would consider anything under $15M a bomb, and anything over $20M a blessing.

Leaving in a few, might try for a double feature of Apes and Conan today.

 

[SpiderJerusalem]

Balls! My theatre only has 3d for it. :/

 

[Tacitus_]

no. I am only going by the Dark Horse comics. so no.

Bleh. Conan was a morally grey character until he killed the king and took his place. And even after that, he wanted to just say 'fuck it' and get back to killing and stealing.

 

[Sappy113]

Guys, if you haven't seen this film yet, go see it. If you're at all into this sort of setting, seriously go see it. The camera-work is kinda sketchy, but for this kind of movie, it's all awesome, all the time.

Also, Jason Momoa is an awesome Conan. Beats out Arnie handily. I know there's a lot of emotional attachment to Arnie for being the original movie Conan, but Momoa, both physically and through the way he portrays the character, is a much better Conan.

I really, really enjoyed it.

 

[Duress]

I finished watching it. I thought it was entertaining.

There was lots of action and it never slowed down, there were dialogue scenes but they last for a moment before they through you back into more battles.

 

[Manos: The Hans of Fate]

Glad I checked the reviews for the new Conan the Barbarian Blu before opening it. Apparently they royally fucked up the new audio mix. Missing sound fx, missing choir in Basil Poledouris' score, etc. This shit is going straight back to Target.

Well that just saved me some money.

 

[Decado]

Meh, local theater has no 2D version of it at all, so skipping it. Shame, really. Same with Captain America.

This. Really don't want to see it in 3D. Maybe it'll go to a smaller theatre in a few weeks.

There are several reasons why this film could bomb in the BO...sadly one of them is a lack of 2D screens. Really unfortunate how Lionsgate is handling this property. I would love these types of movies to make a comeback.

 

[krypt0nian]

It was fun and cheesy at times. This guy embodies Conan though if you've read the books or the comics.

At times he is John Buscema's Conan come to life.

I'm hoping it makes enough to get more. It's not the worst sword and sorcery film I've seen and just Momoa alone makes it worth a watch if you're not expecting a pulp novel series to be more than pulp movies.


This is coming from someone that worships the first Conan film's look and mood but has always hated Ahnold's bodybuilder in a bad wig.

 

[Morn]

All the people familiar with the original books saying this is Hyborian true makes me really hyped to see it.

Seeing in in 3D tomorrow morning with a massive popcorn floating in that oil they call "butter".

 

[Snaku]

It was just...okay. The story was needlessly convoluted and not entirely well executed. I would be a bit more forgiving if it weren't for the fact that the original Conan film did the same story far better, and without

Spoiler

the dumb artifacts, and the blood sacrifice of a girl who's race had died out centuries before but Rose McGowan somehow knows what they smell & taste like.

Beyond the young Conan's battle with the savages, none of the action really struck a chord with me. It was all just kind of...there. And I don't think it's fair to compare this film's score to Basil Poledouris' masterwork, but there just wasn't anything memorable about the music. As long as they were lifting the plot of the original film, they may as well have taken its soundtrack as well. That definitely would have gone a long way in propping up the action.

I will give Momoa credit though, he does play a fine Conan. I can't wait to see his Khal Drogo when A Game of Thrones comes out on Blu-ray.

 

[JORMBO]

I really liked it! Lots of action and blood. Storyline was alright but nothing all that great. The guy who played Conan did an awesome job.

It had really good pacing with all the action. Most movies I've watched lately have felt too long, but this one kept me entertained all the way until the end. Well worth seeing IMO

 

[Plywood]

Well glad to hear Momoa does a solid Conan in spite of the rest of the movie.

 

[Spike Spiegel]

Just got back, and I must say that I was well entertained by this movie.

One thing that stands out most to me is that it keeps moving forward at a breakneck pace, rarely slowing down for more than a moment. Copious amounts of action Action ACTION set in many varied locales, with the occasional breathers for sex and drinking and sorcery in between. Jason Momoa is pitch perfect as Conan, with an interpretation that's waaaay closer to the mark than Ahnold's oafish gladiator. Watching him fight and move and leap and climb with the "pantherish" qualities described in REH's stories was a revelation. I'll admit that I was a little worried about the revenge plot, but now revealed within the context of the story it makes sense AND suits Conan:

Spoiler

from references made the movie is set after "Tower of the Elephant," and Conan hasn't been seeking revenge against Zym all this time. He's been thieving and pirating and slaying and adventuring just like in the books; it's just that a chance encounter presents the opportunity for avenging his father's death, and he follows up on it.

The movie has its downsides, namely some hammy acting and groan-worthy dialogue (and a lack of quotable lines, unlike the first film), but it's a fun experience. My only real gripe is that the theater had the audio cranked extremely LOUD. Like, headache-inducing loud.

Oh, and the scene involving

Spoiler

the finger up the nose

got my audience gasping and at least one person retching like they were going to throw up. It was awesome.

 

[Ulchie]

Drogo

Spoiler

died like a punk ass bitch.

(Season One Spoilers)

Can't see why you would rejoice at that, especially after his epic moment of regarding the golden crown.